I wrote about anger, I wrote about true emotions, feelings and experiences. As you discovered I love to share my thoughts as much as possible without  the social accepted corrections and I am aware that I made myself vulnerable and transparent. I do believe that it helps me a lot to work on my “blindness” to recognize blind-spots somewhere hidden in my undeleted files. One of the reason I do that, is based on the fact that I want to be honest, first of all with myself and last but not least towards others. I have and represent all colors paint of the painters pallet. I know, I feel and I experience them. Nothing to hide. I want to thank all people that made it possible for me to develop the deep routed confident feeling to express what is alive inside me. Thank you. I want to express myself in this way since this is for me essential in my ultimate step to freedom. I stopped pretending, stopped emphasizing and expressing myself in a social filtered way. That does not mean that I want to be rude, impolite, disrespectful and violent against others. It helps me to transform my “own” thoughts. It was and is very helpful to me to receive the help of others in my most authentic expressions. What it did for me? 


Freedom is an important “issue” since when are we really free? I am still puzzled. I receive the most incredible one-liners, post cards and it is very simple to read them, to like them, to respond to them and to send them to somebody else. The messages fill our hearts, change our thoughts and we……………. lived in peace. As in many great fairy tails. Beauty and the Beast. Snow-white and many others.

How come that there is still violence, anger, pain, jalousie and greed? Is it only in “the others”? We, you and I are so remarkable, beautiful, absolute gorgeous, full of greatness and unconditional love but……………….. the others!!! How come that I have to deal with them? Their (non)sense, their lies, their shadow parts and their violence, aggression and how can I survive them? 

I recognized the complete absence of self-awareness in many people and even more important in myself. I made very conscious the decision to bring all my parts, thoughts, ideas, feelings, emotions to the surface. I discovered hateful, cruel thoughts, turbulent emotions and much more of what often is called negative. Since I allowed all of this to happen I am less sure of what is positive and negative. We all love and embrace positive but ….. What is positive?

You’re not just a particle, you’re a wave. You are a being of love, and you are love in action. Any loving thought or behavior on your behalf is the embodiment of God on earth. All else is useless. Marianne Williamson.

I love this phrase and I truly feel the richness of it, nevertheless I have some questions. What is exactly a loving thought? I want to explore beyond sending great messages to other people, since sending wonderful expressions is in my opinion very simple, although I strongly believe in the “positive” impact. I want to turn it up-side-down. A loving thought could be: “I love diversity. I embrace diversity, since I made many observations that diversity enriched my life”. 

I firmly believe that most people, not all, would agree that this is a great value and full of loving kindness. Let me explore beyond this by the following true story. I am enjoying a wonderful cup of tea, I am smiling inside, all my cells are jumping full of life and I experience the world as a great magic place. A man enters the bar, takes a seat close to me and starts talking about crime in South Africa and that this was less so during Apartheid. His voice is laud and it is difficult to avoid hearing. I have to admit that I am a great expert in filtering in what I like and dislike listening at. In this case my expertise and full awareness was needed to avoid hearing. My tea is still great, I am enjoying the small bite of a delicious piece of chocolate and all cells are still very happy. I know this since I made a full body check. The man continues and makes remarks that I do not want to repeat. Why not? Certain words, phrases are too painful to repeat. I experience them as negative. Is this a judgment?

If I observe the man do I truly have loving thoughts? I observe myself, knowing that I am observing my own thoughts and feelings. I smile, happy me, my thoughts are indeed loving and I am able to leave him alone and send him kindness. The question is why the heck do I feel that I have to send him loving thoughts? Is what I hear not what I like to listen to? I know the answer. Are my thoughts superior since they are filled with loving kindness? Is this an example of loving diversity? I ask myself. I am not so sure. I would have liked to explain the man that during Apartheid crime as well existed, even worse, that Apartheid in itself is one of the most devastating crimes ever. That would have been responding to the content. I would have been able to ask the man what needs of him are not full-filled (safety) but the question is: Why should I do that? What is triggered  in me that makes that I would like to “teach” or respond to this person? Why the heck is it that I am interested in his unfulfilled needs? Interesting experience!

I always tell during my “teaching” that we can chose our thoughts. We can make conscious decisions on what thoughts our focus will be on. We can not avoid having negative thoughts. I am not even sure whether it is my mind that creates the positive or negative thoughts. I made several observations that “my” thoughts are influenced by the collective. I experienced that it is very easy to have thoughts of loving kindness when I am at home, listening to great music, enjoying conversations with family and friends. It is more complicated, even when I do not feel victimized by circumstances when I, for example travel 11,5 hours in economy class, seated next to somebody that should have bought 2 tickets and on the other side somebody who is farting at regular moments in time. I hope you realize that this is a real life experience. I have to admit that I have to be very, I mean very, focused on practicing loving kindness. Frankly speaking everybody can survive this. Although it is not life threatening, but I hesitated  telling the person to eat a different sandwich without onion. My daughter having a “better” seat thought it was hilarious. Due to “horrible” experiences I know that I am an “expert” in directing my focus on “positive” thought processes. It is the same as knowing the direction in which you want to go. Cape Town – Amsterdam. Very simple. Nothing wrong with the other planes and directions. It could be that their destinations are even more exciting but I planned to visit my family in the Netherlands. Nevertheless I realize that this focus and direction is already very dualistic since I make a distinction between good and bad thoughts, negative and positive ones. Is there one thought of God that is not loving? Is one thought of God more positive, more negative? Which thought is that? What is love in action? Meditation, prayers, demonstrations, dialogues, debates, discussions? Is one better than the other? Is one more positive than the other? Do I know God? If I know God does everybody else knows God? If we all know God, do we know and talk about the same? If some of us does not know God should we explain the (concept) of God? I leave it to the Gods, pay for my tea and leave the bar with a smile. I did not exchange a word, at least not with the man, but what about my thoughts? Wauwww!!!

Just before I leave and step outside the bar the man says looking at me: “it is nice to share thoughts in a safe environment with like minded people”. I feel that everything inside me starts laughing. I walk and laugh for at least one hour. Indeed it is very nice to “share” with like minded people. It is hilarious. Life is a JOKE. 

Coming back to negative and positive: Are we sure we know the difference? Some people who call themselves positive are telling others the most incredible (non)sense, without hesitation. Is it positive to tell somebody who is suffering from cancer: “It might be that you do not love yourself enough since this is what the cancer is telling you”. How come this person believes or pretends he/she “knows”? Is it positive to tell people that they have to believe that they can cure themselves, that healing is based on positive thoughts and intentions only? Is this truly positive? Are we sure? I love and embrace the body – mind – soul connection. I studied Mind over Matter. I searched for answers inside and outside. I experience Miracles, I love Angels and above all leaving space for not knowing, not having all the answers, especially not towards others. In many cases I experience the messages of positivity towards others as misleading, false, untruthful and very, very negative. Why? I lived my life, explored, observed and I am still wondered by what I like to call  THE GREAT MYSTERY

If all of us would be able to unfold the ultimate truth? If all of us would visit the space beyond right and wrong doing? What if………??? Would it be boring? About what do I write? What about Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson, Marshall Rosenberg, Doreen Virtue, Dalai Lama and many others? What would be their message? If we all have all knowledge what will happen to us? Is our present state not just Perfect? A playground, a theater in which the drama and comedy of human kind unfolds? What if it would not exist? Is it possible as a human being, in our human body – mind to be free of dualism? I experience that this is impossible and it does not really matter. Everything in our surrounding is made of positive and negative. It is impossible to know about pleasure if we do not have any experience of pain. Everything in our surrounding has its perfect opposite. Balance, harmony between them is what allows us to be in a present state. The moment we arrive that present state the next level of dualism is mirroring and smiling at us. Caught you!! My husband has a beautiful expression: “I am still confused but at a higher level”. 

  The unknown. How to live with not-knowing? Is that the absolute FREEDOM? 

A child was born. It was difficult for the parents to find a name. The STARS did not unfold the “truth”. The parents were devastated since a name is essential in the wilderness of human kind. “Stars, stars, stars, please send us a message” the parents begged. “Let us know, please show us the true nature of this child”. No answer was given. The father prayed to God. “God, almighty, in your name fill us with joy of knowing her name”. No answer was given. The father went to the river and asked: “Flow of life, deep, deep rivers of knowledge, please help and show me what I should know”. No answer was given. The father saluted the SUN, “Great source of light please radiate the signs of your wisdom”. No answer was given. The father went to the forest and asked all wisdom trees, “Please I have to know, can you whisper what name should be pronounced”. No answer was given. The father went home, saw his wife and child and did not know what to do. He felt the tragedy of not having the signals, not having the answers, not having the truth and he looked at his new born child and for the first time he saw her and called her: LOTUS



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