Archive for July 2012


This post is about ANGER and other emotions, feelings that we like to fight. I have to admit that I feel that I have the right to talk about this subject since I know a lot about anger. I call myself a specialist in this field.

The reason I want to write about this subject is caused by the fact that I received in the last week 2 messages about anger, fear and violence.

One shared by Deepak Chopra:

A mind, blocked by fear, anxiety, anger, resentment

Or suffering of any kind

Is not able to experience expanded awareness

The other one by the Dalai Lama:

Like anyone else, I too have the potential for violence; I too have anger in me. However, I try to recall that anger is a destructive emotion. I remind myself that scientists now say that anger is bad for our health; it eats into our immune system. So, anger destroys our peace of mind and our physical health. We shouldn’t welcome it or think of it as natural or as a friend.

I reflected on it and as I said I feel specialist in this field. I responded. I even said when I responded to the Dalai Lama that I would write in my blog about it. I like to keep my promises especially to the Dalai Lama.

As long as I know, I was puzzled by emotions and feelings. Not confused since this is a very different emotion. Trust me this is the expert speaking.

I found it very interesting to discover, to explore and to find out the deeper meaning of human emotions and feelings. It was not that difficult for me since it felt it as my life purpose. I can imagine that many of us will follow the path of the intellect. They have to understand, to analyze, and to investigate in order to reach a level beyond concepts. Although I love this approach, it is not my primary response, or impulse for learning. I feel, deep undiscovered emotions, fields, deep, deep rivers, oceans that want to be discovered. I use the intellect to help me, but nevertheless I learn from experiences. I trust my intuition mostly without hesitation and this “wisdom” is created by senses, feelings and direct experiences.

Since this is what I feel “my” path; I never felt I had to walk away from the so called negative, wrong and bad emotions. I learned that everybody, nobody excluded, has them.

I observed that especially in cultures in which emotions as anger and violence are seen as negative, violence and aggression are more frequently (hidden or open) present. I learned that in business environments in which emotions are seen as weakness and vulnerable, (hidden) violence is seen as part of the game. What I observed I used to call: “Under the table aggression and violence”. I will describe it as follows to make it more clearly. You enter a meeting and immediately feel that something is going on. Instead of trying to find out what it is, it more often will be completely neglected since it needs courage to bring it up. The masks of tolerance, friendliness are carefully put on the faces and we pretend that everything is going well since doubts, senses, feelings and emotions are seen as less important or even worse not important.

I feel that pretending is the same as lying. It is not truthful and dishonest and I was able to feel the sickness of it in my body. I learned to transform this by cleansing my own system by being aware of my part in the whole. 

I felt that is important to give attention to what is alive in me and I was willing to listen to what others wanted to share about themselves.

Before you think that I feel most of the time angry or violent, this is not the case. To be very honest I feel more often completely in peace, harmony and balance. When I was in Arizona and spending some time with Clay Miller he mentioned that in his dreams my true nature is courageous kindness and to leave all polite excuses apart, I am most of the time filled with Courageous Kindness. I still know that as a child I never felt negative or had negative thoughts about anybody. I do not want to make myself a better person but it is the truth. I was not aware of anybody that I would call mean, horrible or something else. I played with joyful pleasure and the world opened to me in the most awesome ways. The first memories of anger arrived when I was about 13 – 14 years old.

I still know that it was triggered by dogma. I felt on a very personal level the outcome of dominant dogma’s and ideologies. My mother turned into a witness of Jehovah when I was about 6 years old. It did not change me a lot although I never believed in a God that was all the time watching carefully to punish when you did something wrong. I loved my mother and I tried to understand why this religion was important to her. The first time I really felt angry was about the fact that my mother explained us that we would never reach Paradise since non witnesses of Jehovah are excluded. My mother used to express the following: “if you love your children more than you love me (God) you do not deserve me”.

All the ideas and consequences made me at certain moments in time very angry. I found most witnesses of Jehovah (very) stupid. When my mother died, we (my sisters and I) followed the witness of Jehovah rituals and while I was looking around I thought: “I am so glad that I will never, ever end up with these people in Paradise, I rather go to hell”.  In all these years there was little (or no) space for another interpretation. I felt completely abandoned and excluded. I grew up with the idea that the world would end in 1975. Even my visits to the dentist could wait. I know that my mother wanted to see all of us in Paradise and it must have been very difficult for her to recognize that especially I never wanted this. 

Ark van Noah

I love my mother and there is nothing to forgive. It made me aware of different aspects of religions and spirituality. I was not able to follow the strict rules of the witnesses of Jehovah since I created a very different approach but I learned from them. I was a rebellion. I loved Che Guevara, which was “normal” at this time since many people followed his ideas. On one of my walls was a huge picture, drawn by a friend, of Che and on the other wall an enormous picture of Jimmy Hendrix. “Born to be wild”.



Wauwww, he is gorgeous. Is not he? When I lived in France I called my motorbike Ernesto. What would Sigmund Freud have said about that? He was a medical doctor who saw poverty, slavery and followed his path. What is right and what is wrong? In “our” world poverty, slavery, human trafficking still exsist. It might be that what Che did was “wrong” and it would not be my solution. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind Mahatma Gandhi but I like to give him some credits. 

Hasta siempre Comadante

From a very young age I received sayings of Jiddu Krishnamurti and it helped me to discover myself. Whenever I felt the “unknown” I came across something Krishnamurti had said. The contrast could not have been bigger. My favorite book was Siddhartha from Hermann Hesse. The only desire I had was to be lightened but I called it different.

I filled my soul with sayings of Mahatma Gandhi, the Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa and I wanted to be like them and I experienced that I was unable. I LOVE them and I LOVE to be me. 

I spend many years to learn about bad, wrong, anger, fear and I was surprised that I still could be furious. I blamed myself since I knew instinctively that it was me and nobody else, but I never denied my feelings or walked away from them. 

I suppose I was fighting my own demons.

I learned about the Goddess Kali and I was very grateful that I learned that even a Goddess could be so angry that she was able to destroy the whole universe. 


It was Lord Shiva who sacrificed himself, so that it did not happen. It might be that I always wanted a husband to sacrifice himself so that I too could be destructive.

Lord Shiva represents the passive potential of creation and Kali is his Shakti. “

When mother Durga became very angry she turned into mother Kali to kill 2 demons. After killing them and drinking their blood she began to act out in anger. After hearing from the rest of the demi gods that no one could calm her and control her, lord Shiva came. He laid down on the ground and when she saw that, she was stepping on her husband and she took out her tongue. That image of her is widely known.

What I like about the Hindu Gods is that they are very Human. They are angry, jealous and at certain moments in time very destructive. It is not that difficult to feel related to them. Although I am not a Hindu I like the metaphor of Durga– Kali.

I can be Durga or Kali. I know this and it does not make me anymore afraid. I embraced them and set them free.

I am no longer filled with guilt or shame. I know it is deep routed inside me and the moment I do not blame others, it is nothing more than an emotion, which is a motion in time. Anger is neither a friend nor an enemy. It is simply in me and it is not that difficult to fully embrace it and to look (to be) into the face of anger and fear. It is not just in others. It is in me and I am able to deal with it. I do no longer judge it and it made me free. I still have the demons since we can never completely win. Why should we fight them?

I refer to my last post I wrote about Rick Santorum and I still know that I felt very angry. It was not to defend the Netherlands. It was just anger since my need for honesty, integrity and evidence was not fulfilled.

I really wanted to call him “illiterate” since this is how I wanted to write about him. I did it on purpose. It was not that I felt innocent or just blinded by anger. I just wanted to write something negative about him. I know this since on the sideline of my writing I saw publicity of the new non-violent communication book of Marshall Rosenberg who almost shouted: “Explain what is alive in you, talk about your needs” and I neglected that.

I think of what Khrisnamurti ones said: “I have the feeling that I for 40 years talked to the deff”. 

It might be that you think that I was afraid that Rick Santorum would try to save all the old people in the Netherlands that wear bracelets with: “I do not want euthanasia” but I have to admit that I was never afraid that he would try to protect our oldies, since I knew that he was lying. He never believed himself what he told others. Despite Marshall and all I learned from him I wanted to make Rick Santorum ridiculous.

That is how anger works. It is anger that expresses itself in different forms and structures and it does matter and we have to feel fully responsible for it. We have to admit it, be aware of it and it will make ourselves free. By closing doors and windows because we learned that it is bad to have “negative” emotions we can never, ever clean them up. 

What about Rick Santorum? It might be that I like him while talking about his family, children, friends and expressing what is alive in him. 

What I do not like is what he on purpose does: The creation of FEAR since this is how most violence and wars start. It is the misuse of power based on false information, statistics and numbers. The poor people in his audience that believe that GOD left the Netherlands. It is shocking how easy it is to mobilize and manipulate the mass. 

“We have to fight the communist, we have to declare WAR to Iraq since their nuclear weapons will destroy us and let us fight the Islam since it is taking over the world. And do not forget China they take over OUR market. We can not accept this. We want them (many people) to buy our stuff. Let us close “our” boarders”. 

The pruducts from China (made in China) are more in the perception of our world leaders than how China handles HUMAN RIGHTS

What about different behaviour, a very different world view and focus from our world leaders? 

Lao Tzu


I feel connected to Odyssey and the journey he made. I am on my way to Ithaka and I know that I have to face my own demons. I feel grateful that I brought them alive and embraced them, since how can we ever live our lives in light when we do not allow and willing to clean the dust, the nightmares, the darkness and the shadow?

Foto ruth renkee

Never fear shadows, they simply mean there’s a Light somewhere nearby.

Ruth Renkee

We can never be completely in light when we do not bring our darkness to the surface. As long as we deny that it is part of us ( and not just part of others) we will be alcoholics that do not recognize our addiction.


As you set out for Ithaka

hope the voyage is a long one,

full of adventure, full of discovery.

Laistrygonians and Cyclops,

angry Poseidon—don’t be afraid of them:

you’ll never find things like that on your way

as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,

as long as a rare excitement

stirs your spirit and your body.

Laistrygonians and Cyclops,

wild Poseidon—you won’t encounter them

unless you bring them along inside your soul,

unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

Hope the voyage is a long one.

May there be many a summer morning when,

with what pleasure, what joy,

you come into harbors seen for the first time;

may you stop at Phoenician trading stations

to buy fine things,

mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,

sensual perfume of every kind—

as many sensual perfumes as you can;

and may you visit many Egyptian cities

to gather stores of knowledge from their scholars.

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.

Arriving there is what you are destined for.

But do not hurry the journey at all.

Better if it lasts for years,

so you are old by the time you reach the island,

wealthy with all you have gained on the way,

not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.

Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.

Without her you would not have set out.

She has nothing left to give you now.

And if you find her poor, Ithaka won’t have fooled you.

Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,

you will have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.