Archive for January 2009

Love an open door to unlimited Miracles


Samar Al Ansari                                   

A Bahraini teenager who was killed in a road accident. Of course this does not tell us anything about her. She is an Angel. I have never met her. I have never talked to her and I have never listened to her words. I found Samar on the internet.  Or did she find me?

She is back to the womb, back to the ocean of creation, back to the source. She touched my heart. How much love one can feel for an “unknown” human being?  Ones “my” daughter asked me: “Mom, am I special in your life? Sometimes I feel that you love the whole world. I feel just one of the others”. I honestly responded: “By allowing me to love you and your brother so intensely, my heart opened and melted with the heart of others. This is what love does. It is a open door to unilimited miracles. I feel grateful, that both your brother and you, have given me the opportunity to learn about love.Thank you".

My heart was longing to learn more of Samar’s whispering voice of grace, love and joy. I wanted to share the wisdom that came from her. I prefer to let her speak to you in her own unique words. 

A Short Story by SAMAR Assignment: Write a short story using the words "Cat" and "Mountain"


Short StoryNo one believed that an old blind man like me could ever climb a mountain, but I did. I believed I could climb the highest mountain. Many said to me:" it's dangerous", but I never thought of it as dangerous, I thought of it as excitement. I set up to walk up a mountain in a spiral way of course. I had nothing with me but my cane and the more I went up, the more excited I got. Of course as a blind man, I mostly rely on my hearing, but the more I went up, the more my ears became plugged. Therefore, I started walking and walking not knowing where I was going. I was going to fall off the edge, but a large cat pulled me with his teeth in the right direction. It walked in front of me, and wagged its tail, which hit my shoe every time it wagged. These wags led me down the mountain to civilization. This cat saved my life! I was just about to pick it up, but it disappeared. My hearing is very good, and I did not hear it go away. I will always be indebted to that cat. Sometimes I wonder whether it really was a cat, or an angel sent to me by GOD to save me from death.

In a Blizzard by SAMAR

I was sitting on my lawn thinking; "God, Bahrain is so hot, I wish I could go somewhere cold!" I went to bed that night and when I woke up I was in the midst of a blizzard in Alaska wearing only my pyjama. I walked on the snow in my bare feet, and I saw them turn blue. I was very confused at first and all I could think about was the cold blizzard! My hair was covered with snow and I heard a noise from behind me, and I looked back and saw an avalanche! Then I screamed, "I wish I was back in Bahrain." I woke up and realized it was all a dream! Then Nouf came in my room and said, "Let's go to the mall", then I said" Let me put my shoes and socks on first". As I was going to put my socks on, I saw that my feet were blue. Maybe it was not a dream after all !!!

After Samar went to the other world somebody wrote:

Searching for Sense.

For months, I struggled to accept the fact that Samar was gone,as nothing I could think of made any sense.For months, I visited the website daily, looking for answers.Nothing made sense.Why did a beautiful and promising young girl go so fast?I felt that I had no right to grieve. Who am I to be affected by her loss?I am not her sister, her mother, her classmate…I am merely Omar's friend's sister…In my search, I found this:"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.We are spiritual beings having a human experience"Teilhard de Chardin

Reading this gave me a different perspective on life.While I might not have any control on fate,it somewhat made fate a little more bearable.I am still searching for sense in a senseless world.You and your family are a symbol of strength, patience, and faith.You are always in my prayers.The poems you write are so beautiful yet heartbreaking.I thank you for sharing them with us and letting us into your life.forever your child

I hope that you experience the wisdom beyond this words as I do. Words expressed from the heart can create miracles. Miracles beyond time and space.

Last week I removed all "old" post since I preferred to start from scratch. I felt detached from the words and the writings. Nevertheless I received many requests to post them again. It seems that others felt touched by the shared feelings, emotions and experiences. Since I feel detached it does not make a difference to me. Therefore I published them again. I am not sure for how long. It depends on the present.

All my love 75efca2f5c


A moment of silence. I removed all "old" posts and I feel detached. I wrote about feelings, emotions, ideas and thoughts. I loved it. It was yesterday. A fresh new start from a silent mind.


Life is a Miracle


This post is violent and non-violent. It's me explaining what is going on in me. I take responsibility for the anger, frustration and sadness. There is nothing wrong with anger in itself. It exist. It has nothing to do with you. Neither with who I am. If you still feel pain while reading: Oberserve your feelings.

What is freedom? Is it possible to write something about it? Can we fully understand freedom? Are we free? Let us first talk about what freedom is not. Freedom is not the concept we have about freedom. The concept and freedom are not the same. I was lately watching and listening to some video tapes of Jiddu Krishnamurti in which Krishnamurti explained the audience what freedom is not. “You can never find freedom outward as in freedom of speech, freedom of expression, freedom of choices”. Who is the speaker, the debater, the one that expresses, the one that makes the choices? Are we  human beings free? Free from conditioning, brainwashing, repetition and imitation? How free are we? Speech, expression, choices, isn't at all the same as freedom. It's a method, a ritual, a concept. We can not describe freedom, since we can't find words for it. We can only create, invent, come up with a concept of freedom, which is per definition no freedom. We are able to describe what we think freedom is. Is our thinking free? Free from conditioning? We talk about the concept of freedom and as long we are confused and triggered by the concepts, we are never free. Some examples:The Dutch second chamber member Harry van Bommel SP demonstrated against violence in the Gaza Strip. He squandered:  "Intifada, Intifada, Intifada and free Palestine".  He was criticized for the words used, not only by his counterparts, but also by the party chairman of the SP, Agnes Kant. They heard his thinking, not his needs.

The latest Israeli bomb attacks in the Gaza Strip. Many Palestine's died. Most are children. Some other facts: We all divided Israeli and Palestine. Historically we have built up, in the Western Society, a concept of the "poor" Jewish, the ones who almost died due to us in the holocaust. Hopefully we know that in the holocaust not one Arab was involved. Jewish people died since "we" were racist. Jewish were not the only ones who died. Homosexuals, Sinti and Roma Gypsies, Disabled Beings, Polish and Russian civilians were killed as well. The human species created a concept of us and the others. Superiority of some of us! More often in the name of God. By feeling guilty about what happened nothing changed. Guilt without introspection cultivates suffering. We are still racists. We did not learn from it. Our hatred, violence, envy and fear are not internal worked on and by not doing the work, these emotions and feelings are not removed from the secret hidden undeleted files. Victims become slaughters?  We changed politicians, parties, environments, groups, social structures, ideas but we never really changed inside. We are still the same people, full of anger, envy, jalousie, hate, frustration, pain and suffering. We still blame others for our suffering and unhappiness. We need to defend ourselves even when we are not attacked. By demonstrating against whatever attack, you do not change anything.  If you don't touch, observe and change the inside. You make it worse. It's better to do nothing at all.

Agnes Kant from the same political party immediately explained that her party is against all "intifada". Is she really?  If I go inwards, I observe "intifada" and therefore I can not blame van Bommel for expressing what I feel myself inside. Did Agnes Kant indeed never experienced deep inside "intifada" as an expression of unfulfilled needs?  She never had a whispering voice: "intifada"? I do! If I hear some politicians from all over the world, including the Netherlands, I think: "intifada" and my first reaction is trying to exclude these others. I know by being honest and by the experience of observation, that something in me is triggered and I can change this internal process by observation only. I can never change it by making others responsible. Is that doing nothing? It’s an internal action. It's the first step in a change process. I have to recognize what is going on, without judgment, otherwise I can never experience empathy. Not for myself and not for others. If I am not able to observe my own true feelings by neglecting them, how can my actions bring peace to others? How can I ever truly observe what is going on, when I deny, ignore that all what we created is done by all of us, including me, as part of this Collective Mind? I am this world. You are this world. It’s 2009 and “our” children still die by violence and wars. Every child that dies due to violence, aggression and war is a result of a sad expression of unfulfilled needs as Marshall Rosenberg explained. Of not taking responsibility for our own thinking, assumptions, believe patterns, concepts, communication and perception. We are prisoners of concepts, of what we call “ours”.  Our country, our flag, our religion, our military, our culture, our rights, our language, our family, our history, our organization, our group, our party and our sports team. I can go on and on. What else do we identify with? Money and status? Is this freedom? Did Adolf Merckle committed suicide due to great financial losses?  What about his family? He identified himself with money, position and status? What about his other needs? The needs of his family?  How many people, convinced of their truths, are spreading words of aggressions towards others, due to unfulfilled needs for safety, love, compassion, missed during a younger age? Even in the womb they experienced pain and suffering. We can change the actors but we continue playing the same game of destruction. Are most problems in the Netherlands caused by the Moroccans and other Arabs?  Muslims? I have to put a question mark since I missed the last debates. It might be that in the meanwhile the causes of problems changed for another group?

In France by the Algerians and “Racaille”? In the US by the Mexicans and others? In Italy by the Sinti and Roma Gypsies? Everything would be better if they wouldn’t be in "our" countries. All crime solved? All “whitecollarcrime?  All the Mexicans, Moroccans, Algerians, Sinti and Roma Gypsies worked in the Enron's of the world? “Crisis” wouldn't longer exist? Weapon industry is creating a safer world for children? Is investing in childcare, hospitals and education?  Matthias: 7.5 You hypocrite! First remove the beam from your own eye, and then you will see clearly enough to remove the speck from your brother's eye. We are in 2009 and many of us are happy, overwhelmed by the fact that Barack Obama is the first black president of the US. Do we really think that racism in the US and the rest of the world ends with the election of a black president? What's wrong with us? We don’t change by voting a black president! We don’t change, since we don’t observe the roots of the racism inside us. Fortunately Obama was elected by many US citizens for other reasons. Most of all we celebrated his "victory" since our needs for enthousiasm, clarity, safety and other univeral needs were met. More bomb attacks have been taking place. In India and Pakistan, for instance, and we think that we find the roots in the Pakistan – India conflict? About Kashmir? We can only guess what the connection is with other "fires" in the world. Iraq, Afghanistan, Israel, Palestine. Did we ever tried to see whether there are any roots to be found in India itself?  If all the others (the terrorists = the barbarians) would be killed, is there peace in India? Peace between Muslims and Hindi's? I know a Indian Muslim student that changed her fathers (Muslim) name to protect herself. Is that peace? Do we observe peace in the Hindu caste system? We are very creative in finding other enemies. Certain groups still have difficulties finding jobs. Was Mahatma Gandhi killed by a Muslim? Would all conflicts be solved in Pakistan if India did not exist? Was Benazir Bhutto killed by an Israeli? We always look for "outsiders".  Anywhere, since it provides us from looking inside ourselves and our own internal problems. We can observe an unacceptable economic inequality in the world.  Let's face reality. It's all a result of not dealing with our own cruelties, based on fear. We are not able to explain in a non-vilent way our needs. We have never learned how to do that. In the same nation, in the same organization we find examples of separation. It took the Belgium's in 2007, 9 months to create of a new government. In July 2008 the new government collapsed. Language problems? In organizations we organize human beings in ranks, levels and call it hierarchy.The one and the others (or better, me and the others). Managers in companies have the idea that some human beings need to be controlled. Not everybody of course. The ones with the "highest" position are seen as more responsible and more honest. The "lower" people have to be controlled by all kinds of administrative systems. We can't trust them?  What about discrimination? Who is controlling who? Our legal systems are sick as everything else in society. In Australia most prisoners are Aboriginals. In most countries we find specific crime groups. Are these people born with a crime GENE? You think I overestimate things? Science is searching and debating about crime genes. If we find these genes, I am sure that all of us have them! Our religions are all based on the same conditions and purposes: that is controlling and suppressing. "Religion is confining and imprisoning and toxic because it is based on ideology and dogma. But spirituality is redeeming and universal" according to Deepak Chopra. What isn't religion? Almost everything we create, think, believe and interact in is based on ideology and dogma. Can we human beings live without it? Are we sure that spirituality isn't another concept, another ideology? "Religion" is not at all the cause of our problems. It's much more fundamental. We are! It's the concept of religion created by us, full of ideology and dogma. If human beings do not change inside, spirituality has no meaning at all. I found a phrase in book of Anthony de Mello, called "Awareness" that I received from a friend: "Everybody with a Golden Heart, communist, religious, spiritual or capitalist" will not harm others. During a retreat the Daila Lama  was questioned: "Can you feel angry and when was the last time?". He responded: "Yes, I can. Last time when I felt angry somebody asked me three times the same question and I lost my patience". When I heard the response of the Dalia Lama, I had some "interesting" thoughts. I like to share some: "Does a repetition of the same question make the Dalai Lama inpatient and losing his temper?  What the heck I am doing here? How many times do I have to listen to the same "dum" questions". What about the Tibetan people? Then I realized the richness of his answer. Our biggest "problems" are indeed close (inside) ourselves and we never really want to observe them. Some personal examples: Why is "nobody" listening? Why does this person "never" respond to my e-mails, telephone calls? Why does this person lie about me, not knowing me at all? What the heck? This person is eating the cake that I had an eye on! How can "they" serve "me" in such a "miserable" way?  How long do "they" think that "I" want to wait. How can this person switch the light on when I am still trying to sleep? Did I pay for this nonsense? Can't "they" observe, recognise what "I" did for "them"? How can people respond like that? Are they "menos intelligente = less intelligent?". I can go on and on. If you don't recognize some of these examples your "enlightened" a big liar or both.

When I observe the wounded, dying children, I mean literally any child that dies, in this continuous battle of separating madness, I feel first of all aggression and a deep inner pain. My own inner pureness, wonder, innocence feels attacked and killed. I want to protect all these children, including "my" inner child. I experience the need for "their" and "my" safety, love, the need to express the joy of every living being. The joy for life itself. There is no such difference between these children, you and me. With every child dying by violence (including poverty, lack of medicins) we are death people. We have to observe our own "death" deep inside, to understand the meaning and to learn more about life and to learn more about love. Krishnamurti invites us to observe death, not the concept of death, to observe life and not the concept of life, to observe love and not the concept of love. On our path to freedom? How I feel now? In this moment? Releaved and grateful. I AM NOT THAT. YOU ARE NOT THAT. It's me and you suffering from illusion. Birds are singing, the sun is shining, children laugh and I listen to the I AM. The I AM in "YOU" and "ME". For all of us:

Universal BeingsWake up, love and life is calling usLet's leave the nightmareSwitch the light onWe know our dreams

Deep in the womb of creation

Let's play and flyReach for the skies

Return to the river of silence



I wish all readers a Happy, Healthy, Prosperous, Splendid and Fantastic



A Year full of love and light 

In the last semester of 2008 I preferred to be in silence as much as possible. I stopped writing, answering phone calls, e-mail messages and reading, even the news. I missed completely most of “the crisis”. This means that in my perception it never happened. Isn't that funny? Things happen, many people talk about nothing else anymore and by being in a state of silence it is, at least for me, something that never happened. What crisis? 

Is it possible to do the same with the Gaza Strip? What would happen if all of us decided to be in silence and in a state of meditation? Would it still exist? What Gaza Strip?

We observe terrorism and we call the actors “Barbarians”. We observe invasions in Iraq and Afghanistan and we call it in our western society “war against terrorism” and we are sure that this is completely “normal”. Is it? We have to defend our rights. What rights? Human rights? By killing? Are the actions in the Gaza Strip “normal”? 

In our collective mind we create all what’s happening around us. We believe that we still have a need to prove that some of us are better, smarter human beings than others. The others are brutal, primitive and bestial. Of course we belong to the smarter and the better ones.

We like to assure our selves by words, law and regulations, weapons and militarism, how great we are, how brilliant, how smart, how special, how superior, in comparison with others. Especially in the name of God. Some of us will go to Heaven or live in Paradise, others will live in Hell. We believe that we need to think in good and bad, in normal and abnormal. Beauties and Beasts all over! What if it does not exist? What if we do not need to prove ourselves by making others smaller? What if we do not need to create the horrible others to show our glory? What if we stop creating heaven and hell?

We create addicted human people to learn about our own addictions and slavery's. We create wars and violence, more often in other countries, to show how “peaceful” we are. We do not want to deal with our own internal aggression, fears, shadow, irritation, violence and wars. We need others, to blame them, for our one feelings, emotions and despair. What if we just stop doing that? What if we are curious and brave enough to take responsibility ourselves? What if we create Victory?

What if we experience oneness? What if we just know that everything else is just an illusion of an unconscious collective mind? A self created imagine of a so called nightmare? We believe that FREEDOM lays in the choices we make. We believe that FREEDOM exist due to the fact that we can make choices. We believe in positive and negative. In one or the other. In ups and downs. Life as a roller-coaster. Isn't FREEDOM far beyond choices? Let’s ring our bells. WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP. Life is calling.




Summer Recess?

Enjoying the sounds of the crickets. The summer melody of "the Provence". I was already waiting for them for some time. They were late this year. I love to hear their amazing sounds. I like to call it Meditation Music. Resonating and vibrating with them. I am sitting in the shadow part of the garden, enjoying the slight breeze of the wind in the warm summer in France. Life is expressing itself at its fullest.

All classes are finished, all assignments graded and all "important" e-mails answered. Time to reflect and to express what is coming to mind as a peaceful expressing of the desire to create.

We joined “The great final year Flamenco Spectacle” as dancers. Thank you Cristel and Arthur Dente for never giving up hope and your never lasting support and strong believe that we can be always better than we thought. Thank you for sharing your passion for the world of Flamenco. How much we learned from both of you. Thank you Chirstel for transmitting your strong believe that each one of us can be a dancing STAR. How passionate and powerful your dance yourself Cristel.

Derk Jan passed his exams with an amazing result. I never thought that he would not be intelligent but I was not fully aware of his potentiality. He “passed” as we more often use to say. Although we are all celebrating this joyful event, for his family members he “passed”  already. This does not depend on final grades. Walter uses to call me a “Madre Italiana” and I can only imagine what he wants to explain. It has something to do with criticisms or better expressed, the lack of it. This is true since I find very little moments to criticize my son. Does this mean that he never does things wrong? Of course not!  His room is almost never organized. In average it gives the impression as if a bomb exploded and he still did not find enough time to clear and clean the damage. I feel indeed more often irritated and frustrated by this phenomena and I express this on a frequent basis and it never had the impact I would have liked it to have. My needs for overview and structure are not met when I enter his room. At the same moment I realize that this is my “challenge” and I am still wondered why I bombard others, including him, with my desires. If I am very honest, I just appreciate, respect and love him exactly how he is. We all celebrated his 18th birthday and enjoyed being together. He was overwhelmed by our speeches and especially Carmens speech touched his heart. "How proud daddy would have been. I can feel his smile", she said. Derk Jan finished our dinner with a spontanious speech himself, thanking all of us.

"My" son and I went to the Netherlands since he decided to study at a Dutch University. It is still easier to study in your "mother tongue". He did not know what, neither where, since he has a broad and divers interest. We went from Rotterdam (Business School), Groningen (Psychology) to Maastricht (Cultural Sciences and Psychology). Although Holland is a small country it took some time. Finally he decided to study at a University that we did not visit. Helena, his girlfriend went with us and we had the opportunity to spend four full days with each other and I enjoyed it. In Rotterdam we met in a small restaurant a psychiatrist who expressed how much he appreciated the openness he felt while being with us.

Carmen, "my" daughter went with us to Groningen.  The responsible program manager told us that she got goose bumps by all the questions my daughter asked concerning the future studies of her (baby) brother. I was amused. The last evening our oldest daughter Jana and her friend Niels came and all of us had dinner in a restaurant in Amsterdam. All celebrating family life. I was observing everybody. Blond, blonder, dark, darker and I was in silence counting all the different nationalities at our table. Belgian, Dutch, Indonesian, Italian, German, English, Russian and Polish and I fully understood that almost nobody ever knows were we are from and what brought us together. A man sitting at another table liked our conversations and we invited him at our table. “I feel jealous when I see your children” he told me. “What a great family!”. If people express themselves like that I feel a bit scared, as if the magic can be taken away. I realize that this is a strange reaction to protect what was never attacked. Are they special? Absolutely!

What I appreciate about the children is their authenticity and openness. All of them are an interesting mixture of vulnerability and strength. All have on one side self-confidence and deep doubts on the other hand. All have very divers areas which they like to explore and different interests, from animal life, sports, cars, clothing, traveling, politics, movies and many other subjects. They share and more important they are all able to listen.

Jana found a new job. She finished successfully her Educational Sciences studies at the University of Amsterdam. She wrote a great theses about: “Philosophy with children” and we all enjoyd the profound work she did. While working with children, that need in average more time to have certain results, she always shows her radiance by talking about “her children”. Jana will start working in September 2008 as an orthopedagoge related to the “Salvation Army” in Amsterdam. In Holland the famous representative of the Armey was Majoor Boshardt. Con467ff3422a787 What a beautiful human being. What a great work she did all those years. How loved she was. She was especially well known for her non-judgmental attitude. I will never forget the interview in Villa Felderhof with her and Herman Brood, a rock singer and artist. The interviewers asked Jana about her Christian background since the Armey is based on the Christian principles. Jana first hesitated answering, since non of us is member of a specific religious party. On the other hand we all love Jesus and especially Majoor Boshardt was the very best example of what Jesus preached. “Compassion, truth, integrity, love, peace and respect”. We all feel and know that Jana will make a difference.

Carmen passed for her Propedeuse with great results and I am sure she will find ways to finish her studies. Not knowing exactly right now what “Miss World the Netherlands” will include the coming years. The miss world competition will be helt in Johannesburg, South Africa instead of Kiev, Ukraine. We are all looking forward to this event. 

Walter passed for his flight license. From now on he can call himself a “Pilot”. It has been always his great dream. As a young boy he always wanted to be a pilot but it was not possible at that time. In the meanwhile he spend time doing other things, became a scuba dive master, sailed for many years around Europe, drove his motorbike, plays his Flamenco Guitar every evening for the last ten years and created and maintained many of his other passions. "Born to be wild".

I flew three times with him and first I felt a bit scared. In small planes you feel all elements and due to the fact that I am not used to all these different movements my heart started beating. Fear is something powerful. It starts to control emotions, feelings and thoughts arising in the not expected moments, suddenly appearing from the carefully secret hidden undeleted files somewhere in our system. I smiled to my friend and embraced and welcomed “fear” as an old friend. “Fear” felt overwhelmed by the warmth and compassion and melted in my heart. With fear in my heart, melting and transforming, I enjoyed the view, the perspective of earth from a greater distances. "In this world but not from this world".

Our Siamese cat Napoleon catched a small baby bird (pigeon) and brought it proudly to me to show his hunting capacity. I did not judge him. It’s his nature. I just interfered as what I felt was appropriate, after Napoleon started to play ping-pong with the little creature. I took the badly injured little bird in my hands and brought it to the veterinarian who stiched the wound together. I brought the bird back home after surgery and Walter and I took care of him for about ten days. We called him "William". He was eating well and he recovered faster than we thought. After being attacked by William several times we felt that it was time for him to go back in nature. I took him to the garden openend the cage and waited. William was sitting silent only his little eyes slightly moved. I went closer and this was for William the moment to spread his wings and fly, first in a nearby small tree and immediately afterwards in the tallest one. Back to freedom. I thought "Release and Surrender". For me birds are a symbol of freedom and William showed what this means. Althoug William had more "security" in the cage, more immediate access to food he prefered his freedom. He followed his true nature. Thank you William for what you teach us.

Our dog Columbus started his journey to the other world. Columbus was 11 years member of our family. We all learned from him to practice non-judgment and unconditional love. It feels weird without Columbus. He was always with me at home. When I travelled he played "depressed", already starting some days before I left. Being back he "forgot" his depression. He played his theater very well and we made jokes about it. The cats are still reacting different without his presence. They were good friends. What a great memories we all have.  What a great character and what a fantastic friend! Thank you Columbus for your never lasting love.

A few days after Columbus passed away Walter and I went to a course with the Dalai Lama in Nantes. We felt grateful to be with his holiness in one room. In one of my earlier posts I wrote that I would love to meet the Dalai Lama and I could not imagine at that time that it would be that soon.

Carmen and I went to Indonesia. It felt as a true miracle for me as a mother to be able to spent every second for 14 days with “my” daughter. Sharing our feelings, emotions and thoughts in the same room and in Bali even in the same bed. All the contrast in a city as Jakarta had a great impact on us. We visited the street in which I once lived and we discovered the “old” house. Everything was completely changed. We went to the museum of Basouki Abdullah and enjoyed the wonderful paintings. It felt strange to be in the house in which he once painted me. All seemed so different. Realizing how much I learned from his stories, sages and myths. More than ever I recognize the meaning in his paintings. How sad that people killed Basoeki (the 5th of November 1993).



We met a dear friend. This was especially for Carmen very important. When we allow ourselves to be fully in the present we are able to experience “divine timing”. This was exactly what both of us felt during our stay in Indonesia. In one single second all gossip washed and cleaned. All doubts washed away. Transforming fear, nervosity into respect and love. What a discovery! What a blessing!

We spent a few days in Bali, the island of the Gods and Goddesses and enjoyed the Idyllic Island at the fullest. The people, the temples, the offerings, the ceremonies, the dancing, the sava’s = rice fields and last but not least the perfect massage and other treatments. We discovered the resort of Martha Tillar at Bali. Miraculous since I have been for almost one year a student at her school in Jakarta.

Paradise found! Carmen my angel: Finally home? On your path to freedom?

Adelaar_2What about me?   The new courses at Euromed will start soon. I am looking forward to finish some papers for International Conferences in different parts of the world. The book: "Rethinking Growth", Social Intrapreneurship for Sustainable Performance Walter and I wrote will be published soon. I will continue "my" dance classes and hope to further dance my life. What about the future? We do not know the past, it never exsisted, we do not know the future, it’s all imagination. It’s all in the present and according to his holiness the Dalai Lama even the present does not exsist.       I N S H A L L A H


Yesterday, our daughter Carmen is allowed to call herself Miss World, The Netherlands. She will participate in the Miss World Contest in Kiev, Ukraine. The Miss World Contest will take place the 4th of October 2008.

Carmen_miss_world_netherlands Carmen_miss_world_netherlands08



For "my" daughter:

“I always love you. I feel blessed to be your Mom. As a baby your beauty was already overwhelming. Now, more than ever you have the choice to use your multi talents for the best. Your facility to learn new languages, your authenticity and pureness. More and more I saw some parts of your personality transforming:  from emotional to sensitive. Frustrations, irritation and anger into compassion and vulnerability, as the basis for strength. I am glad that your sense of humor and creativity never changed. I hope you will always honor your names: Carmen = Hymn, Song and Selina = Radiant as the Moon. My beloved angel, spread your wings and fly”.   

Mama Rode_roos

Ingrid Betancourt

I wanted to stop writing new posts since I am in “summer recess” but the rescue by Colombian security of Ingrid Betancourt is something I want to write about. Ingrid_betancourt Ingrid Betancourt reunited with her family; what a treat, what a delight.

Think of all the news written about her in the last years that was received by her family members. How many times newspapers wrote that she faced health problems and some of them even wrote that she was death. How flexible and loving family and friends must be to stay focused on hope and love.

When the news came in the newspapers and on radio and television, immediately the rumors and gossip started. In the political realm, the counterparts of Nicolas Sarkozy instantaneously explained that it was not due to the efforts undertaken by Nicolas Sarkozy that Ingrid Betancourt was rescued.

Instead of feeling from the heart that her rescue can be seen as a true miracle, the mind has taken over almost automatically. The mind brings thoughts between the one and the other. Our mind separates us from each other. In the mind we need to respond as soon as possible that it was not the success of our “counterpart”. We put thoughts between our relationships. Jiddu Krishnamurti had many speeches about this phenomena.

If I would put thoughts between me and Nicolas Sarkozy I will remember the fact that Nicolas Sarkozy, in his position as Minister of Internal Affairs, mentioned in his speech at Euromed Marseille that the Capitalistic System never made victims. My thoughts reacted as followed: “Is he blind, deaf or both at the same time? Did he miss what happed with Enron, Ahold, Arthur Anderson and so many other organizations? Is he not aware of the turbulence in the suburbs of Paris? He never learned how many weapons are made, ordered by our capitalistic “democratic” driven governments? Is he not aware of the production processes of multinationals in law cost countries? Did he never see, hear of child labor, bad working conditions? Does he know the difference between, on one hand the figures, statistics and calculations of what Western Societies pay for education, training, welfare, wellbeing and on the other hand on so called defense expenses of our “capitalistic” system? "Why should we have a need to defend a system that never made victims?” Many of my needs were not met at listening at that time. If I would not have taken responsibility for my own thoughts it would have remained between him and me for ever. I would have tried to recognize mistakes that he makes and when he would not have made them, I would have invented some. Is this not what we normally do?

If I do not let my thoughts interfere between him and me, I feel that both of us want creative solutions for challenging situations. If my thoughts do not interfere, I will be always able to explain the experiences I had and still have. If thoughts do not interfere we have no need to convince others. If the thoughts do not interfere, I can listen, since I do not need to agree or to disagree. I can share experiences and I am able to talk about some of my ideas and experiences since I am free.

I did a French language course near to where I live and I found myself in an interesting situation. I once arrived in the flat were the course was taking place and I saw that the whole portal was burned out. The electricity cables were visible and I was not sure that I could safely enter the building. “What happened” I asked a passenger, walking his dog. “Nothing special, the neighbor of the first floor kicked his sofa down since he was furious of what the other neighbor had done or said. The “victim” of the anger of the first floor living neighbor, took his motorbike and entered the building and run into the elevator since he believed that the neighbor was just taking this lift. Due to the speed, the motorbike caught fire and this is the result”, he explained me.

I listened carefully and I felt a bit confused. “Nothing special” I remembered his first words. I went into the building and I was wondered by the fact that some of us are adapted to different situations and happenings. “Nothing special” I thought of the visit I once made in Lebanon and while walking trough the streets in which many buildings were completely damaged I saw youngsters laughing, listening music and dancing in the middle of the hectic and horrifying environment. All seemed to be adapted to the situation. “Nothing special”.

When I did my PhD in Granada Spain, I was in most courses (electives) with a wonderful woman from Bogota Columbia. At a certain moment she cried and I listened. She explained how different she lived in Granada. “In Columbia the threat of death by violence and aggression is always there. I was used to it. Some of my family members and friends are killed since they were working for governmental departments and universities. Staying in Spain I realized how stressed I lived in Bogotá, Columbia.  I listened and my heart cried.

When I take responsibility for my own thoughts I feel the same happiness and gratitude in the heart of Nicolas Sarkozy. I sent him my respect, gratitude and love for the true feelings since I experience them in my own heart. Thank you.

When my thoughts do not interfere, I love to listen to the songs of his wife Carla Bruni. Large_414355 I love the simple melodies, the sensual voice and I experience the same longing for unconditional (passionate) love in myself. If our thoughts do not interfere by identifying her as the presidents wife only, who has different political ideas, we understand that true love is more dangerous (deathlier) than Columbian cocaine and heroine from Afghanistan.  “You are my drug”. You can always escape from heroine and cocaine. It might take a lot of energy. It can feel as impossible but it the darkest moments, “light” can enter. I know this since I worked as a volunteer in rehabilitation centers. You can never lose completely your separating mind and ego. Not one drug is strong enough. Only love can free us!

If you listen from the heart I hear her singing that love is a drug that will be able to kill our separating ego. If you truly love, your identity does not exist any longer. If you love unconditional, you are one soul, one heart, one mind. This is what I hear when I listen to her songs. If you love intensively there is not one leg, not even one simple cell that is able to escape. A oneness soul!

Love “the drug” to freedom.

When I watch television and listen to Ingrid Betancourt I know that she was kidnapped  and rescued but I feel that she was always FREE.

I sent my love to Ingrid Betancourt and all her beloved ones.




My son finished all his exams an I am not sure who is more pleased that it is over. We went trough this episode a few times in many different ways. Of course my son was nervous and felt sometimes stressed. I would say that this is a “normal” feeling based on the fact that you have to show, in a structured way and under time pressure, what you know about a certain subject. It depends as well on the questions you will receive and fair enough you do not know what they will ask. Many of the students at Euromed, but I am sure in all schools and universities, experience also stress and what we normally want or try to do is to reduce this feeling as fast as possible. Even when we know that life without stress is impossible. Every movement, every (re)action causes stress. Without any movement, energy or stress we would be death. During his exams we had nice discussions and dialogues and I had the pleasure to hear many of the telephone calls my son made with his colleague students that of course made more or less the same exams. One question that would have given him 5 points when finding the right answer drove him almost crazy. My son was looking for a unknown instead of what was asked for, namely a parameter. He was unable to change his perception and stayed in his mindset. I am sure we all know this. It is impossible to find new creative solutions when you stay in the same structure and exactly the same kind of thinking. Faceinbeans_2  I drove him every day to the school since at the time of his exams the school bus was not available. Therefore we had many opportunities to “study” in the car the last details. I learned a lot from our conversations. My son does his studies mostly in English and it is interesting to recognise how different the content of school books are in various countries, even when it is on the same subject. One day we had to stop the car since we almost cried from laughing caused by the biology story of the Great Tits. I am talking about some small interesting birds.220pxparus_major_male_4 It seems that the male Tits have an enormous singing repertoire and the more  they develop these skills, the more they can count on female attention. The other male Tits, flying by, who also hear the many different songs think that they better can look for another area, since they believe that there are many other male Tits. ”Too much concurrence and competition”.  Are they almost Human?At “mother day” we went to St. Tropez, a small village not far from were we live. We enjoyed the beautiful (huge) boats, one even more splendid than the other. Could it be that it is the same kind of getting attention as the Great Tits use just in another outlook?  We saw as well a brand-new Ferrari and a Rolls Royce. Many visitors took pictures of the boats and the cars with themselves in front of them. I suppose to show at home, that in that little moment in time, their dreams and imagination are fulfilled. We often believe that all this material stuff will make us far more happier. We walked by enjoying the design and exclusive materials used.  We could observe, hear, that some of the children in the boats were fighting amongst each other. A woman (perhaps the mother) shouted at the children. We heard a conversation between two woman complaining about their husbands. Not so much different than in other situations. It was interesting to observe this. Another car drove through the street, a Porsche Carrera, that “normally” would catch some attention but unfortunately this time nobody watched this car. Can you imagine? You spent an awful amount of money to buy a “dream” car and nobody gives it attention. Coming back to the great Tits, who have just learned some new songs and at the moment they want to celebrate their success, they hear others that sing much better. How sad!Our old car would have caused more commotion I suppose. Our old yellow car, a Fiat Doblo is what our children explain us, the most ugly car ever seen in the world.

We decided to buy this car since we have always many visitors, mostly friends of our children, and a Rottweiler called Columbus. In this car we have enough space and it is still not that expensive. Once we drove with this car to the International School of our children and when we arrived our daughter Carmen explained as fast a possible to all her friends:  “This is the car of the gardener”. The only thing Walter could do, while shacking hands with all of them was saying: “I am the gardener”. I have the feeling, impression, that money, boats, cars, expensive jewellery, education, good positions are in many occasions substitutes for what we miss to attract others.  Does it matter? The great Tits have divided in different species and researchers are sure that they do not communicate (listen) to each other and they found that they never mate either. If we do some research on humans we can quite often observe that we can not understand each other, even when we talk the same language. I had the privilege to be “invited” in court (intimation) for an inheritance case and I must admit that this seems to be another world to me. A world that has its own language and rules, that at least I do not understand and for some reason, I feel a deep inner happiness and gratitude about that. My daughter was with me and was astonished as well. She whispered at me: “Mom, I never knew that it is allowed to lie in court”. The lawyer of the "counterparty"made many untrue suggestive remarks and clearly lied and that surprised her very much. Some lawyers are only thinking in  “winning” or “loosing” and due to this they do not hesitate to lie or to create an image of somebody else, that they created themselves to win the case, perfectly knowing that they falsify the truth. It is almost that they can not care whether this might be painful for others.Of course it only seems, since when you observe from a greater distance it is obvious to see the contraction reflected in faces and bodies. It is clearly visible that they do not breath properly when you take the time and distance to observe the movements of the body. I felt this in my body as well and I started to allow myself to centre and to be focused on my inner state of peace. At a certain moment in time I felt completely detached from this theatre. I truly experienced that while being in the present, nothing is able to affect me. I felt a tremendous gratitude. Allowing to ask myself in the midst of this hectic created drama what I really felt for the people in this room. I watch in silence to their faces, the contracted bodies and listened to their restless voices. Words coming from their mouths, words that are related to articles in law books, old cases and rules in procedures and the complete disconnection with and between the people in the room. Indeed a language that is funny (ridiculous) to observe when you do not belong to the establishment. The lawyer of the “counterparty” explained to the judge that I took some things, that happened in another meeting, too personal and that I reacted far too emotional in his opinion. Reflecting with some of the other people who were in the same meeting, we all agreed that the only person that was really emotional was the notary who “invited” us. He reacted very aggressive and showed a lot of irritation. Yes, I took this very personal since I immediately took responsibilities for my own feelings, emotions and felt a tremendous compassion for all the children, my son and myself since our needs for justice, respect, integrity were absolutely not met. I can not blame the lawyer for not understanding me since indeed we speak a completely other language. It might be possible that we also listen in a different way. In court people listen to hear for mistakes that can be (mis)used, they listen to analyse, to judge in advantages or disadvantages, instead of real listening from a silent mind and from the heart. Did I learn from it?  Yes, I absolutely did. I learned that many people were looking forward seeing me and invited me to stay in their house. My dear friend Els thought this “event” was a present. A great opportunity!

While staying at her place we celebrated our long lasting friendship. We forgot completely the reason for my short visit to Holland. I spent very little money for the tickets and I honestly found that being with Els was worth much more. After the “interesting” court session I spent time with Carmen. We laughed and had a great time together and we enjoyed a wonderful lunch. I explained to Carmen: “We can not always change circumstances, we never can change people, but we can always choose our (re)action on how we look at it. It is just a small shift in perception". Clinton While travelling “home” I read some phrases in an article (Happinez number 4 – 2008 written by Inez van Oort) that caught my attention. A woman was brought in a circle of stones and a Shaman (Clay Miller)told her: “You have a beautiful strong mind” and he gave her a stone. “Your mind is strong as stone” and she received more stones. She received one after the other until the moment that she almost collapsed under the weight of her own “Mind stones”. “Feel what this strong mind does to you, how it has power over you. Your thoughts have taken over your life, you walk literally behind your thoughts. Let your soul speak. You are a strong woman, but do not protect yourself for your emotions. Feel your sadness, Feel disappointment. You do not have to be strong. Feel strong”. “You mind works as glue, everything sticks on it. Love your fear and it can not drive you. Push it away and it owns you. Try to experience your emotions, embrace them, that will move them. Emotions become e-motion, energy in movement”. I smile and feel blessed.  The face of the lawyer is in front of me and words come spontaneously: “Thank you for calling me (e)motional. I will sent and give you nothing but love”.Aurablad Of course I will continue in finding possibilities that will fulfil the needs of the children. The need to be recognised by their father. The need for being respected. The need to have some concrete evidence of his love for them. The need that the last will of their father will be respected. Children and young adults have this inner sense of truth, this inner wisdom and “knowing” about right and wrong. I am so touched by their integrity and deep inner connection to their true nature. They are not longing for revenge and they followed the path mentioned in the famous phrase of Mahatma Gandhi:“An eye for an eye makes the world blind”Gandhi dedicated his life to the wider purpose of discovering truth, or Satya."The world offers enough for everybody’s needs, but not enough for every bodies greed’s."

A Saint is Born

It seems to be a pattern. As always during this time of the day, this experience of deep inner restlessness, unbearable for his longing heart. Unsuccessful in his fruitless manifestation of heroism and untouchable mind. Unexpected in forgotten moments, suddenly all boundaries dissolved. All weapons seem useless in the struggle for a sacred celibate life. 

Oshun400She is always there the Goddess of Pure Passion. Her fragrance resonating with her overwhelming drive; her eyes radiating in all forms of life. Her body an invitation for an earthy place in heaven. It was never meant to be her man and she his wife, he thought. Dancing, smiling and sensual playing with the creator of death and life. Innocent in all expression, she the Jewel of the Nile.


“This time I will not be the victim of desires” he tells himself. “This time I will be stronger then all my earthly feelings. This time I will not be the slave of worldly passion”.

All internal controversial feelings, as an internal contradicting fighting of different and opposite voices, commence as they always do. He is convinced that his passion, desires and lust find their origin in weaknesses and the hopeless struggle to be stronger than all feelings of flesh and blood have start.  A continuous battle of priorities and importance has taken place. Sick of chaos and confusion, triggered by opposite desires, forbidden by his self created mind. 

While opening the door of his small cabin, walking through the garden were all flowers seem to be impregnated by her fragrance that enter his recognizing attracted cells. “I need to hold her just a second. His overwhelmed heart is crying for release. Just this last moment to a whole new life”.

Basoeki She, waiting patient, standing more powerful and radiant, knowing with all inner wisdom the moment he would arrive. In the portal of her wooden chalet, smiling with her eyes of passion, stillness in her magnificent appearance there she is “The Goddess of Day and Night”. The priestess as the open door to heaven. The sun reflecting in her glowing eyes, there she is: “the woman of the purple light”. His knees are weak and his breathing stops. “Come closer my darling, my lady of fire.  My thirsty mouth is longing to taste your sweetest juice”.

Painting Basoeki Abdullah

Back from heaven, satisfied of the flowing energy of melting rivers he feels guilty for the attraction through his restless mind, praying to the God Almighty. “Please forgive me my God for my weakness and guide me to surrender. Help me to a higher state.

I will leave and run for ever. Further and faster, as far as possible to hide my addiction and longing. Running, I will keep on running”. He starts running from home, with just a few things, without recognizing simple but miraculous symbols.




Frank Boots

Wandering and desiring to be as far as possible from her. Traveling to many places, entering sacred, holy temples. When his desires of being with her enter his thoughts, he continuous running. Further and faster in all different parts on mother earth.

Visiting various places, watching many splendid exciting nature sceneries. Never talking about his emotions and deepest inner feelings. Never ever his mouth is full of her. When she suddenly arises from the secret hided places in his undeleted sacred files, he punishes himself for his deep inner fascinations, imaginations and desires. Telling himself that this is not what an enlightened man and soul should feel. Years and years go by.

The holy streaming rivers show him that he turned older. Reflecting faces in the vibrant waters, asking him how long he will continuously seeking for his inner state of silence. The sensual river whispers soundless her unforgotten name, resonating in all vanes and vessels. Miles from her and years of growing older, still remembering his beating heart, melting by her smile in the glowing mirror of love.

He finds himself in frozen posture, his eyes are loosing all their inner light, his ears refuse to listen to the external world and knowing that his last breath will come soon.  In the face of God she is present the Goddess of Sparkling Diamonds glittering in heavens dark blue sky’s. Aware of all the years behind him loosing all sense of space and time.

Unable to run, sitting on the floor, all resistance disappeare as melting snow by beams of light, not able to refuse, neither to ignore all inner feelings waiting for his endless death necessary for a new beginning, she is more than ever there. Holding hands to pray with bounded head.

Ecp_m1181741882In the discovery of lightening holy fires, he embraces his queen of heaven with a never ending smile.

Frank Boots

Dancing as the Queen of Sheba,512nmsjtvel__sl500_aa280_  moving in the rhythm of a oneness soul, smiling grateful for unbounded freedom. Paradise is found just a fragment of his splendid soul on a non existing distance. Grateful for this deeper love. When the worlds turns darker at the moment of closeness into the other world of light.                                                       

                                               A Saint is born

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Walking with Grace

I attended a seminar with my beloved teacher Sai MAA in Cork, Ireland. Just before I left Marseille I received a wonderful message from my beautiful daughter Carmen, who is a true Angel, even when she sometimes does not know this herself.At her school in Amsterdam her English teacher asked all the students to write a small story in English which needed to be started with:  “This is not about……”

As a spontaneous response on this request Carmen wrote:

“This is not about the war in Iraq, the war in Afghanistan, the civil war in Kenya, the price war in Dutch supermarkets, the war against terrorism nor the war between Jews and Muslims.What it’s not about is simple. We give it too much attention, so that it only increases hate. That’s why it’s about the Olympic fire that represents peace. Peace in Tibet.”

Her story touched my heart and I felt tears coming up since I always start to let my tears run when I recognize true beauty. The most simple truthful words are always the best, since they are so pure.

When I arrived on Wednesday the 2nd of April 2008 Carmen waited for me at Schiphol Airport in Amsterdam. We both took the shuttle to the Ibis Hotel and spent some time together. I suppose that both of us have a high “Grandmother” philosophical interest. We talked about the “law of attraction” and other powerful stuff. It is magnificent to listen to your children, especially when you feel totally connected and you do not need to convince them, since you are able to listen from the heart. Carmen was and is a very special and gifted cCarmen_summerlookhild. Beautiful, graceful and having all the other interesting parts aswell that makes us Human Beings.

For my daughter: "Angel of love, I feel grateful for being your mother. God bless you".

The next morning I left very early with a flight to Cork. When I arrived I wanted to have a shower and a bit of a rest but my room was not ready yet. I thought that this would give me an opportunity to visit the center of Cork. When I came back I thought more or less the same: “I love to have a shower and I can have a rest for at least one hour”. While arriving in the Hotel I saw a crème colored car and I intuitively new that Sai MAA had arrived as well. I stepped through the entrance door and I saw some other participants of the seminar. They all told that Sai Maa wanted all of us to join her to a very wonderful place in Ireland some 38 miles from Cork. I, completely dressed in black, thought: “I have to change first”, but recognized the non-logical reasoning behind my thoughts. I immediately changed all my ideas and joined the rest and we arrived at an amazingly peaceful place.  A beautiful place with a small church and graveyard.  A well-known spiritual place in a for me completely unknown area somewhere in Ireland. I felt so privileged to be with Sai Maa and all the others in this sacred place. I cannot even find words to explain how grateful I felt. All of us were invited by Sai Mai to honor mothers, mothering, and motherhood in all its forms and energies. Every one of us expressed our prayers and wishes in our own pure unique way. What a blessing!

Amaterasu400 Sai MAA is for me the living example of a true Goddess, of a Mother of all Mothers and graceful and divine in everything she does, speaks about and teaches. I “felt in love with her at first sight!”. Why? I can not explain how it is to be in the surrounding of an enlightened being. She is intelligent, creative, beautiful, respectful, loving, caring, graceful but all these superlatives are not enough to express what she really represents. She is “My teacher”.


In the West we have very “strange” ideas of what it means to have a “Guru= teacher”. More often we think immediately of dependancy, lack of autonomy and identity. We more often think that this critical, analytical mind is necesssary for our freedom, not really consciouss of the influence and impact of all limitations of the human mind, and it really takes some time and effort to experience that these limitations of experiencing reality creates our(fear based) prison. I know this very well.

I like to follow my own path. I love to show initiatives myself. I want and like to feel responsible for my own actions, behavior and manifestations. I always had/have the desire for total freedom.

Dolphin_2Exactly this absolute state of freedom is what I experience(d) while being with Sai Maa. She will share her ideas, thoughts, experiences and will always expect from me self-mastery, autonomy and independency. I experience more than ever what it means to take responsibility for choices I make and to be able to face the consequences as a result.Sai Maa is great “fun” to be with, since she is everything else than what you “normally” expect from a “Guru”. Connected to Sai Maa means to me, that I experience that all desires and dreams have come true, since I recognize that I live them. Freedom is inside and always available in the present state. It is what I would call a Contradictio in Terminis to search for freedom. Freedom is!

With flying wings of sparkling crystals, unseen riding on a snow-white dear with golden horns and flying hometo the endless see of ecstasy

Faster in the world of omnipresence Full of flashing violet lightHigher to the silver white worldWith ocean waters in a golden shine

Multidimensional existence in an angelicExpression having all healing energyWelcome in the womb of pure creationEmptiness in the most fullest state


Thank you beloved Sai Maa. I love you. My mother has given me birth on planet earth, you have given me birth to my purest state of a multidimensional being. Thank you.

Sai_maa_australia I received from the Chopra Center some beautiful phrases:

”A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary.”–Dorothy Canfield Fisher “No language can express the power and beauty and heroism of a mother’s love.”  –Edwin Hubbell Chapin

Especially good news for the French speaking people: Sai Maa’s wonderful book “Petals of Grace”, essential teaching for self-mastery, is translated into French, due to the (voluntary) hard working of Kelly Williams.

Le livre Pétales de grâce de Sai Maa vient de sortir aux Editions Altess, Paris.

Extrait Préface par Jacques Salomé:Jacques_salom "Cette préface, pour ceux qui me connaissent, n’est pas un paradoxe, car je suis agnostique et j’ai la faiblesse (ou le courage) de penser que le divin est en nous à chaque instant. Cette préface est le témoignage d’un hommage. Un hommage rendu à quelqu’un que j’admire pour le cheminement de sa pensée, pour la force de son enseignement, pour les actions désintéressées qu’elle soutient de par le monde, pour le travail qu’elle propose de guider, d’accompagner ceux qui la suivent, vers une attention plus consciente et des choix de vie plus lucides."

Thank you Jacques Salomé for your divinity and for sharing your respect and love for Sai Maa with all of us. Thank you. I wish your wisdom will spread through the world.

I like to invite everybody to celebrate the Divine Mother and to walk with Grace.